Lessons From an Empath & The Best Possible Outcome
(Photos at the end)
Sooo as you know by now, I can get kinda wound-up sometimes.
People don’t talk about energy the way I feel about energy, at least I don’t hear them talking about it. I have so much of it inside me. I used to be afraid to feel this energy inside me and I would panic, I would associate all of it with anxiety, but the more I work through and sort out my life (the way I couldn’t possibly have understood until my 30th birthday 😛) the more I realize, wow, hey, I’ve got a lot of energy pulsing inside me right now…and that’s not a bad and shameful thing.
I can feel it, and I started to first make this connection on my sailing trip this past October. There were about 5 of us in our little quiet stoners’ cuddle bubble and we were slipping away from our adventure’s ‘Star, a vodka-fueled 21-year-old Russian stereotype, in order to play some card game…I can’t remember what it is now but it was really the perfect entertainment. I’ll have to ask my friend what the name of it was.
Anyway, the five of us escaped from the raging party boat and slid quietly, and unnoticed into the galley of another, and as soon as I entered the room it was like a blast of bad vibes hit me straight in my face. I pointed to a dark corner of the boat, closest to the back of the ship and said I didn’t like that corner. We were all really blazed so talking about vibes wasn’t making me sound crazy, but everyone else said no, no it’s fine. Give it a second, there’s nothing wrong with it in here, it’s just different from laying under the stars..Give it a minute, you’ll like it. My friend Shelly started to disagree with them too, saying no, there’s something wrong over there, Christy’s right, I don’t like it either.
So this was kinda a big breakthrough for me, in more ways than one, even though I didn’t realize it at the time. Typically, I wouldn’t have said, ew wow, something is wrong in that corner. Typically, I would have thought, ew wow, something is wrong with me.
I wouldn’t have noticed that it wasn’t me that felt bad, but actually a corner of the room that felt bad. But because our boat was literally named La Pasión, and its name totally embodied the love and good vibes that were had on it, I was too full of love for my resident asshole-ego-brain to convince me it was me who was feeling self-conscious. My friends joked that that room belonged to our Russian ‘Star who may or may not have been joking about wanting to kill them all in their sleep. So anyway, I get over it and we really get into playing our round of cards when our captain comes on board and notices that in the gas wasn’t turned off in the “bad” corner of the galley where the stove was.
Seriously, at this point, the situation went from zero to sixty in a second and the whole room was smelling way too strongly of gas way too quickly. Gas fumes were pouring out of the stove faster and faster, and the only ones of us who knew where it was to turn it off were backed into the booth, unable to reach it and shut it off. This probably all happened within seconds, but the intensity was so high, you know, the music was loud from the other boat, it was hard to hear one another, and we were all doing a terrible job explaining that the gas valve was under the kitchen sink to his right and that it needs to be switched to a perpendicular angle to shut off. No, instead we’re all just tripping over our words as the gas smell is literally way beyond a comfortable level and then like a slow-motion scene from a movie, our ‘Star, adorned with a black bodysuit, cutoff jean shorts, a long, straight, jet-black ponytail and an unlit cigarette dangling from her bottom lip slinks through the doorway. I wouldn’t have thought time could have slowed down anymore, but it did as her left hand revealed a lighter sliding from her pocket and she began moving it closer to her mouth — just moments from sparking the lighter to life.
I hardly remember acting at all; I must have been operating purely by instinct, but afterwards my friends told me I moved so quickly and smoothly out of my seat, over the table, and through the others to grab ‘Star and throw her cigarette overboard that they thought I was levitating. Nobody told this girl what to do, she got off on antagonizing others to see how far she could get with her cute face, and I think people were legitimately a little scared of her, but here I was literally shoving her back and off of the ship with my two hands, pushing her off the boat and telling her to go far away and keep her lighter in her pocket.
She listened, everyone stood around in shock for a second, and Shelly and I were changed forever.
What we normally would have associated with insecure feelings was really a gas leak. And who knows how the multi-verse works. What if our two old souls experience anxiety in this life because of all the tragedy, heartache, and death lived on in others? Or maybe the universe doesn’t work that way at all, maybe it’s the theory about how everything has already happened that ever will happen and if you look just right you can see glimpses into other portals of existence.
Did I walk into the gallery of the Twin Velvet —or Tween Velvet depending on which side of the boat you were looking at 😂 — and feel the energy from another dimension? Could Shelly and I feel the other outcome? The one where we didn’t stop the leak and extinguish the flame? Maybe we simply could feel that that corner of the room wasn’t as it should have been.
Whatever the theory, the fact remained that we had intuitively felt something was off and we tuned into that.
A few days after I returned to Barcelona, I was standing at the corner of a busy intersection, one where a pedestrian path meets a traffic roundabout, and it would have been really easy to understand anyone feeling panicked or overwhelmed standing here as all the converging energies moved around. Five different languages, delivery trucks and trolleys, cars, motorbikes, people…stuff was happening everywhere, and I realized that I was outside on one of the most energetically diverse and loud streets in the third-most visited city in Europe. I was vibrating so high and instead of freaking out, I reminded myself to slow down.
Standing there on that street corner waiting, I noticed a gastrobar that always caught my eye every time I walked past. I dined there once and had a glass of wine and it was ok, nothing more, nothing less, but still I always light up when I see this place. Standing there on that corner waiting, I felt into the good inside that place instead of the bad from outside. Standing there on that that busy corner waiting, I wasn’t freaking out, I was just taking time to direct my senses toward something that felt good.
And standing that day, next to the Farmacia, I realized that having this much energy inside of me means I need to strengthen some muscles. I can strengthen the muscle that feels the good, and I’m hoping that I can train myself to feel the good first. To only need to feel into the heartache of others when I’m consoling loved ones. To only need to feel into the bad of an area if I sense something that makes me feel threatened. By training my good-sensing muscles, I’ve noticed that walking in a crowded city street isn’t the terrifying activity it once was. I’ve noticed that a sad fact of life is most people have anxiety, stress, guilt, shame and heartache that they carry around with them and it’s a readable energy they emit. As an empath who hadn’t learned to strengthen the muscles that keep others’ energies out, I moved about the city overwhelmed and panicked usually, unable to distinguish between their discomfort and my own. As an empath who hadn’t learned to strengthen the muscles that keep others’ energies out, I would choose between feeling panicked or hiding.
Over these last four weeks I’ve learned there is so much good in the world that I was never picking up on, and just like physical fitness, I’m seeing that it’s possible to train for mental fitness too.
I’ve been working on this over the last month, and one of the ways I’ve been able to feel more good is by reminding myself of my own mental mantra — The Best Possible Outcome. When our catering group arrived to purchase our pre-ordered pavo entero (or whole turkey) for the 20 person Thanksgiving feast we were hosting and the employees confessed they had butchered and sold our rare bird, I told myself, “It’s ok…I still believe that this event will have the best possible outcome.”
When I was nervous to sail for seven days, when there was so much computer work to be done and wifi to be needed, I told myself, “It’s ok….I still believe this trip will be the best possible outcome.”
When I was bloated and at the heaviest part of my cycle when I worked so hard to be fit in my bikini for the pro film crew aboard Beach Please, I told myself, “It’s ok. I still believe in the best possible outcome.”
And the cool thing is, it always comes true.
Once I’ve started to look at life where everything that happens is for “The Best Possible Outcome” I’ve started to feel so much peace.
Tyler and I have been at odds for the last few days for a slew of personal reasons and hurtful habits, increased only by the gravitational pull that Mercury’s Retrograde and the Full Moon place on empaths, and last night before bed I told myself, “It’s ok. I still believe in the best possible outcome for all of this.”
Feelings have been hurt. Lessons have been learned. Dysfunctional habits have shown themselves as such, and humble pie has been swallowed, but even still, at the end of this long and emotionally draining day I can happily say that I believe what happened was the best possible outcome.
Today I learned that I love to run in the cold, totally by myself with my phone on airplane mode and wireless headphones in.
Today I completed the first story I’ve written in almost a year…And the only piece I’ve ever written from start to finish in one sitting.
Half of this was story was written in pigeon pose, stretching my muscles after a mind-clearing run.
An intermission was had and self-guided ashtanga was practiced.
And after today’s final fight and apology, we now have a life where we have independence. It may be a struggle to keep that independence at times in the future, when we’re all lovey and dovey and just want to be glued to each other’s hip all day, everyday… But at least now we, I, know what an independent-but-together relationship can look like.
And for what we need in life right now…This is definitely the best possible outcome.